The Reinvention of Cake

Cherry

By

Berry Michel

When I was a teenager there was this one girl named Cherry (not her real name) that I was infatuated with. The only problem was she didn’t feel the same way about me or so I told myself. We were good friends and lived in the same neighborhood. She was a year younger and much more popular than me. I would take any opportunity back then to spend time with her. Regretfully, despite my efforts to let her know I was interested, I never made it out of the friend zone.

Even though I was crazy about this girl, I never came straight out and said it. I thought my actions spoke louder than words, but maybe that was a bad assumption on my part. Cherry dated several guys during the time I was smitten with her, and they all seemed to be unlike me. Maybe I was not her type, or I was just too afraid to express my feelings to her. The point is that I will never know because I never took the chance. I gave this girl a handwritten note at my high school graduation letting her know how I felt. What a cop out. That’s like showing courage when it really does not count anymore. I was leaving high school and she still had another year to go. I was about to start life as an adult after high school without ever letting her know the truth about our friendship and how I truly felt, so a note was the best I could do. I know, weak.

Back then I was still a virgin and not good with girls at the time. But for some reason I always blamed Cherry for what I would eventually become. I always felt like Cherry had rejected me and once that happened, I vowed to never feel that way about any female again. I put up this artificial wall so I would not get hurt by the opposite sex. Eventually, that turned into mistreating women and womanizing, jumping from one girl to next without considering the consequences of my action.  I turned from this innocent young boy who was emotional to this walled off jerk that only considered himself. All this because of Cherry?

The truth is it was never Cherry’s fault even though I made her the scapegoat for my behavior. The truth is I never really gave her a chance to reject me, because I felt like I didn’t measure up. That’s not on her. That’s on me. The truth is that I was so fearful of rejection is that I never gave Cherry a chance to make up her own mind about me.

Often in life we talk ourselves out of the things we really want like my case with Cherry. We convince ourselves that we are not worthy, capable, or deserving. We shame ourselves to the point that we feel the rejection whether it really happened or not. In our minds, it’s not worth trying because we already know the result. That fear of rejection paralyzes us and we never get to answer the question, “what if?”

I don’t know what would have happened if I was open and honest with Cherry back then. But I do know I regret not taking the chance. So instead of taking the lesson from Cherry to stop being vulnerable with others, I chose to learn that life is short and it’s worth taking chances on love and life. I chose to live without regret from this point forward. Yes, there has been plenty of hurt and disappointment since Cherry and I am certain there will be plenty more. However, one thing that I have learned is that hurt and disappointment are a part of this human journey just like regret. The older I get the more I don’t want to regret living this life to its fullest. That means taking chances and stop getting in my own way. Stop blaming Cherry and take a chance that I just might not be rejected. After all, I am worthy just like we all are. You are absolutely enough just the way you are.