By
Berry Michel
No matter how you feel about it, porn is a part of our culture. Some think it’s harmless. While others think it’s a part of our society’s darkest ills. I don’t want to debate about it right now, but I will recount my own struggles with it. There was a time in my younger life when I struggled with addiction to porn. I couldn’t get enough it and no matter how harmless you think porn is, it can have some real harmful effects in the real world depending on where you sit.
The internet opened a whole new world to all of us. The world wide web gave us access to vast amounts of information at our fingertips whenever we needed or wanted it. Unfortunately, this same life changing technology gave people access to the darker side of humanity as well. When I bought my first home computer, I quickly fell into this trap. During the day, I would use my computer to conduct normal activities like downloading map directions, recipes, and just general research on things I wanted to know more about. But at night, my online surfing habits would take on a much more dubious edge.
After my wife would go to bed, I would often stay up late and surf the web for pornographic images/videos and have online chats centered around sex with random individuals I met online. Seems crazy now, that I would stay up late chatting with some random stranger that I had no idea what they really looked like, but back then I was hooked. I know you’re wondering what’s so bad about this behavior. At first glance I don’t appear to be hurting anyone. Who cares if you decide to use your personal time to waste countless hours on the internet looking at smut.
However, someone was getting hurt. My wife was very opposed to me watching porn and I knew that. That is why I would specifically wait until the wee hours of the night to exercise my habit. My porn habit went on for years and it got bad at times. I would stay up late which means I wasn’t getting enough sleep. Which would translate into me being tired at work the next day. I also had to spend time covering my tracks. Which meant deleting my browsing history and any other electronic clues about my late night secrets.
However, the biggest threat to normalcy that porn presented for me was that the fantasy of what I was visualizing online was more appealing and stimulating than what I could experience in the real world. My wife was not enough for me anymore. It got to the point that I would rather watch porn than have a real physical connection with my spouse. That disconnect caused me to dive deeper into porn and start to experiment with ways to make my fantasy a reality with other women.
The porn addiction got so bad at one point that I would come home from work in the middle of the day to surf porn on the internet while my wife was still at work. Probably not the best use of my employer’s time, but I needed my fix. Eventually, it all boiled over one night, when my wife walked in on me surfing porn. She caught me red handed. I thought she was asleep that night but she wasn’t and she walked right in on me before I could hide what I was watching. Of course, an argument ensued and now that my bad habit was in the light, I couldn’t hide it anymore. However, that didn’t stop me. I just found new ways to cover up my dark addiction.
The porn habit remained as my wife and I continued to argue and disagree to the point that we separated. Eventually, we would get back together and try to make the marriage work. There were times that I tried to give up porn to accommodate the reconciliation process, but in the end the marriage was irrevocably broken once I was discovered watching porn yet again against my wife’s wishes.
During the divorce, I realized that my porn addiction had gotten to the point that it was controlling me and not the other way around. I felt like I was out of control, and I didn’t like the feeling. I decided to kick the porn habit once and for all. After many years of porn addiction, I finally kicked the habit back in 2012. I still don’t watch porn to this day even though I have been in relationships since my first marriage where my partner wanted to watch porn together. In those instances, I would kindly explain why I didn’t want to watch porn with them. In all instances, my partner would respect my wishes after they understood the trauma and addiction I went through. Most of all, they understood me not wanting to go back to a point in my life where I might lose control again.
I share this story about porn addiction, because I think all too often, we rush to judgement on people that struggle with some sort of addiction, whether it be, alcohol, drugs, sex, or etc. The truth is even though I have never struggled with those types of addiction, I do understand what other people struggling with addiction go through. The human brain is wired to chase the feeling of dopamine being released. Once you experience that joy, that pure ecstasy, you continue to chase that high no matter who gets hurt to include yourself and all those around you.
If you really think about, most of us get addicted to something in our life, whether it be some innocent or weird habit, or the most common addiction…another person. No matter how you dress it up, it’s still an addiction that sometimes causes you to make bad, sometimes illogical decisions. Maybe it’s time to give ourselves and other people some grace on struggling with addiction. My struggle with porn forever changed my outlook. I realized that any of us can become an addict. Hopefully this reality will always give me compassion for those still going through their struggle and the wisdom to recognize the pitfalls of letting anything or anyone cause me to lose control ever again.
The other reason I share this story is to give hope to others. There is hope that you or your loved ones can overcome addiction. I can attest that it will not happen overnight and most likely there will be lots of setbacks and trauma along the way. Therapy and finding healthy ways of coping with stress are imperative and most of all patience is necessary. No matter what the addiction, a support network to surround yourself with is extremely helpful. A support network that will hopefully love you unconditionally no matter how much you screw up during the road to recovery. Once you are on the other side of your recovery journey, always remember the people that stood beside you when you weren’t at your best. Be thankful for the lessons learned along the way to regaining control of your life. Most of all, enjoy the bliss of knowing you just conquered something that could have destroyed you. I know it’s not as gratifying as that instant dopamine high that you are used to, but often the things most worth it in life are long, hard, arduous, and slow to manifest, but oh so much more satisfying.
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